Before going to the Three Brothers Barbecue for dinner, I had once again wasted a perfectly good Saturday afternoon digging for ancestors. Not actually digging, but plundering around on the internet, researching census records. This can be frustrating because illiteracy was rampant among my Georgia pioneers, and, also among early census takers.  Deciphering the census takers’ handwriting can also be a challenge.

A nearby copy of National Geographic caught my eye with its article describing their genetic research program. Send them a cheek swab and they tell you where your ancestors came from. There were elaborate maps with sweeping arrows indicating the spread of people from Africa, to Asia, to Europe and to the Americas. So, I tore out the application and had it in my pocket when I encountered Woodrow Stretcher at Three Brothers Barbecue not far from my home in Tate, Georgia.

With a little encouragement, I persuaded Woodrow to submit his DNA for the test and even agreed to pay for it. He could be the guinea pig. The swab kit arrived a week later and I eagerly sent in Woodrow’s genetic sample. Because the swab was taken at lunch in a barbecue joint, it crossed my mind that we might get some unusual test results, like “your DNA included pig and possum strands.”

Woodrow is the metal detector operator at the state capital and commutes back and forth to his home in Mt. Pariah, where he  also serves as local director of Homeland Security.  This will help you to understand why he drives an enormous Lincoln Circumnavigator SUV with a full array of emergency lights, alarms and radar. He married his former mother in law, but that is another story.

The reply I received about a month later went something like this: “Keep in kind that many factors contribute to any individual’s genetic makeup. Our conclusions are based on scientific amalgams and do not imply a direct biological link between you and any specific individual, living or deceased.”

“Your sample showed a structural anomaly known as ‘spiral-less DNA.’ This means your sample does not reflect the spiral staircase model for DNA.  Please do not be concerned about this. We find this most often in people submitting samples from the lower, or southern, tier of US states. While the cause for this has not been conclusively shown, some scientists believe it is caused by marrying one’s cousin or other closely- related person. Persons whose DNA closely aligns with yours are most commonly found in three areas: (1) a small town near the English-Scotish border, (2) in northwest Northern Ireland and (3) in the little north Georgia community of Mt. Pariah.”  Thank goodness the chart did not show any porcine DNA.

I was immediately relieved that I had not sent in my own swab. Seven members of my family married seven members of a neighboring family in the 1830s and the frequency with which their children intermarried makes it hard to track down all my relatives. They also named their children after their parents on both sides, so I have scant chance of ever figuring out my family tree. I guess I can forget joining the Sons of the American Revolution. I have no doubt my swab would have shown “no-spiral DNA,” the spiral formation of DNA wilted by generations of intermarriage in a small farming community. At least I won’t have to listen to snide remarks when friends inquire if I have submitted a saliva sample to ancerstry.com or one of the growing number of genetic testing services.

I’ll just go back to the confusing census records, with all their misspellings, missing districts and clerical errors. This way, I will be spared any confirming details of suspected inbreeding, while Woodrow’s report can be said to confirm all my suspicions.  It is better that science move ahead with Woodrow’ help, rather than mine.