We live in a garden, one with lots of hardwood trees. Those twelve- foot trees growing in our yard when we bought the house twenty years ago are now towering giants. The Fall leaf harvest is intimidating. And, ever increasing. Should we leave them to help shelter our plants from the few but bitter freezes? Or, rake them up for burning? Or, grind them up with the mower and put them in a bin to create compost. From my personal experience, Red and White oak leaves do not actually break down by themselves. Not in my yard or in my gutters. They endure like tooth plaque or the mildew on the north side of your home. More durable than plastic water bottles they are. Leaves have been found intact in the tombs of the ancient Egyptian pharaohs. I will still have last year’s dead leaves hiding in a thousand places in my yard come July. Hanging atop my 24 foot ladder, I risk my life to get them out of my gutters. I hate them.

By far, the most satisfying thing to do with hardwood leaves is burn them. I do not recommend the following methods, but secretly wish I could deploy them with impunity. Consolidate all your leaves in one enormous pile. Choose a day when the winds are about 45 mph, and ignore the threat of setting off a forest fire or burning down the homestead. Damp leaves burn slowly and give off lots of smoke which would tip off the forestry officials and local fire department as to exactly what you are up to and where you are, so choose a dry spell to burn. If the winds are calm, you can always use a power leaf blower instead. It produces furnace-like temperatures. I once left an iron shovel too close to my burn pile and it melted when I applied the blower treatment. I painted it (the shovel) gold and mounted it as a piece of modern sculpture. It won a prize in the local art contest..

A pile of wet leaves resists being set ablaze, so bring a can of gasoline to the party. Pour twice as much as necessary on the leaves, then pour a trail of gas so that you can light the pile from a safe distance (say fifty feet or so). Hurry, before the gas evaporates. Toss a burning match in the general direction of the path you chose and hope for the best. Be sure your gas can is empty, because this trail of fire may – on occasion- find its way back to your gas can and set off an explosion, melting your twenty-five dollar plastic gas container and sending you to the emergency room. BTW: an empty gas can (filled with gasoline vapor) can produce a pretty dangerous blast as well. Likely, you will have removed the safety- pour spigot from your gas container. Mandated by federal regulations, they are awkward and only permit a drizzle to run out of the tank – just at the moment when you want to really douse something.

If all goes well, there will be a few seconds of satisfying anticipation as you toss a match on one end of your gasoline trail and watch the flame rush toward the hated pile of leaves. Then-VOOM! -there is a slow explosion as the pile of leaves becomes (in my imagination) a burning ship carrying the body of some great Viking prince to Valhalla. Were the Vikings pyromaniacs? Am I? Keep a sharp eye out for a burning gas trail making its way back to the can by your side.

It is generally understood that General Sherman was only burning dry leaves when the fire got out of hand in Atlanta, so exercise some care for your neighbors’ sake. Once the last bushel or so of dry leaves are piled on, let the burning leaves cook down to a small pile of ashes while you take a nap or drink a cold one. Alternatively, the glowing embers may be brought back to life by a fresh breeze. Such a development can create real excitement. It may also create a problem as the fire spreads through the woods to your neighbor’s wood pile or home. Oh well, he failed to rake the leaves away from his house, you tell yourself, so the blame is on him. He has been trying to sell his house for years anyway, so he is likely delighted by this turn of events, assuming he has gotten his family, his pickup truck, assorted pets and his gun collection out safely.

By now you will have concluded that I made up this awful display of recklessness. You are correct, so this will be a reminder of just how stupid we can be -and how careless of the outcome we can be when we take safety shortcuts. So be careful, be safe when burning. Abide by fire regulations and good practice recommendations. Leaf smoke can be dangerous to your health, and this is why the practice is forbidden in many places, so exercise care not to inhale leaf smoke. Maybe composting them isn’t such a bad idea… Wait! Why is the fire chief’s red SUV parked in my drive?